Things Losing My Dad Taught Me

I lost my Dad back in May, and in the last three months, I have learned more about myself, my faith, and what I'm capable of being and doing.
1. God's Timing is God's Timing I hate not being in control, and I spent a lot of time being angry with God, angry with my Dad, and angry in general.  I was angry with my Dad who kept telling me his job was done. I didn't understand what that meant. I was angry with God for taking my dad from me, even more so after we found out we were pregnant. My kids will never know the man they would have called Gramps, who would have spoiled them rotten. But God's timing is good, and I trust that He is sovereign. 
2. 24 years is enough My Dad loved my sister and I with all of his being. I was angry because 24 years with my dad was not enough. It was not until I looked back at all of the great things that were crammed into my 24 years with my Dad that I appreciated it and realized it was and will always be enough.  I learned not to let the "could be" outweigh what was. 
3.  I am my father's daughter I am not only the daughter of one of the most renowned educators in Metro Nashville Public Schools, but I'm the daughter of the King of kings.  My dad was one of the greatest men that ever walked this earth, but my Father is the maker of Heaven and Earth.  Now they are together. 
4.  I am so loved I have never felt the community and lover that I have felt since my Dad died.  There were people who were names to me from Dad's stories who have since wrapped their arms around us and became parts of our family.  It's an amazing feeling.
5.  My life will never be the same ... but that is okay. It's not supposed to be the same. We adapt, we grow, and we move forward.  I have learned how to depend differently, I have learned to be confident in my decisions, rather than double checking them with someone, and I've learned to rely on my own conscience, because that is where Dad lives now... in the things he taught me, the values he instilled, and the person he helped mold me to be.  

Week 9

How far along: 9 weeks 4 days

Due Date: March 26, 2017

Baby is the size of: a pecan. 

Symptoms: I'm exhausted. I keep falling asleep during lunch. I have some minor cramping and everything is feeling stretched. Oh and acne like I'm 13. 

Gender: Friends and family are making their guesses. 

Name: We have a strong boy name and girl name. Both have a family name component that we love, and they have their own rare flare, too! 

Movement: I'm counting down the days until I can feel the flutters! 

Nursery: Still has Titans jerseys, a big TV, and an xbox in it. 

Maternity Clothes: Nothing yet; my pants are getting tighter, though.  

Sleep: We stay super busy, so I don't get as much sleep as I'd like. I'm looking so forward to Saturday. Jackson will be out working on the duck blind, and I'll get to sleep in. 

Best moment this week: Starting our weekly pictures. It's mostly just bloat, but it's fun to look at! Also, the co-worker that brought Tums over to my desk and said she new a prego when she saw one. ;)

Missing anything: Having my pants buttoned all day, and big sized Dr. Peppers

Cravings/Aversions: I love salty and spicy foods now. 

Mood: have I mentioned I'm exhausted?

Looking forward to: announcing it to everyone else! 

Husband is: excited, relieved after seeing his bean last week, and still overly helpful. 

Our Baby Journey

If you had told me when I was twelve that the boy I hated would be my husband and father of my children, I may have punched you in the face. But hey, here we are living the dream. I'd let you punch me back, if that's any consolation. ;) I'll go ahead and apologize for the little bits of TMI.   Our journey started in July of 2015 when I came off of birth control in hopes to regulate my body after five long years of daily 9:00 appointments with Betty Conrad (that was our code for birth control, as we didn't want the whole world knowing we were responsible? haha). I had started becoming depressed and having really bad mood swings on my birth control, and we were shooting for October anyway, so we thought why the heck not?   August had no visit from Aunt Flo and a quick remedy of Provera. September was missed, and she finally made her return with a vengeance in October. All the while, I was testing using Clear Blue's Ovulation Test every day following my expected period with no smiley face every single day (which I read is pretty normal...)(side note: those things are ridiculously expensive. Why no refills, Clear Blue?). After a weekend of friends and fun and not thinking about it, the smiley face still had not appeared. But we tried anyway. And we waited.  While waiting, I had to go try on and be fitted for a bridesmaids dress. So I told Hamlin about waiting to test and the girls at the bridal shop thought it'd be fun to measure using the belly... which may be the weirdest thing ever. 

    Tuesday came and no Aunt Flo. So I took a test; I wasn't too surprised to see a negative, as I'd read it's better to wait and more accurate the later in the week you test. So I waited.  Thursday, there was something faint on the test other than the control line... so I had Jackson look at it. He compared it to the negative from Tuesday and said they looked the same. I blamed it on my hopeful eyes and threw it away... and I waited. Friday brought another negative... but no Aunt Flo... so I waited. Sunday brought another, so I let it go.    Then came the discussions (that probably should have come back in July) about what we wanted. Did we want to actively try (track it and test every month) or did we want to simply stop trying not to get pregnant and let it happen? Was it too much pressure? Was it stressing us out?  We agreed to not put too much pressure on it and that was that.    I had my annual appointment in November and doc agreed that it was stress and to chill out.   She also hinted at the possibility of a thyroid issue. So I had blood drawn and we waited. Thyroid was A-OK, and I wasn't pregnant. So her only advice - stop stressing about it and have fun. December brought another round of Provera and Aunt Flo. New Years brought lots of trying and a new job.... So then not so much trying... but still not trying not to.  February came and went. March came and went.  April came and I just knew this was it. I was feeling extra awful, cramping, spotting (tmi?) and Jackson was out of town for a week for work. I had the perfect plan: I'd find out, surprise him that weekend with a spontaneous pinspired photo shoot to tell him, and we'd live happily ever after.  Well.  All tests were negative.  I still wasn't feeling quite right the next week, so I tested again. Negative. 
I  broke down and called my doctor. I told her how down I was about the whole process and that we were almost at the year mark. She gave me lots of instructions, numbers, dates, etc. to write down, along with a prescription for Clomid. "When Provera works it's magic and you hit day 3, call me, and I'll call in Clomid. Take that for 5 days. Come back on day 21 and we will draw some blood to see where we stand."  I did just as I was instructed. It did nothing for me. I didn't ovulate; all it gave me was acne like a 13 year old, 5 pounds to work off, and mood swings like I've never had before. But we went for round two at a higher dosage, and then on the 4th of July, we got the smiley face we had been waiting months for.  

We followed our instructions to make our own fireworks for the next 48 hours, making time for actual fourth of July fireworks somewhere in there. The next 10 days that followed were full of cramps, headaches, mood swings, hot flashes, a whole bunch of awfulness. I read that Clomid could cause these side effects, so I dismissed it... until I had a feeling I should test. Just a feeling... and bam:

It was faint, so it took a minute for my eyes to adjust. But there it was, our faint, second pink line we had been praying for for almost a year. I texted the above picture to Jackson and asked him if that was clearer than the test I forced him to squint at at 5:30 that morning. He said yes, and then went into hyper panic mode. I never imagined I'd tell my husband I was pregnant in a picture sent by text, but hey.... it is what it is. There was no way I was going to hold that secret for the rest of the day without losing my mind.  

Then came the long FIVE WEEK WAIT because WHO finds out at THREE WEEKS and some change?! 8 weeks came, with all of the anxiety and nervousness that it brings before you see your peanut for the first time.... and there it was. With a healthy heart beat, measuring exactly as it should be, perfectly healthy and happy. 

It has been a LONG journey, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. This was so worth the wait. 

 

Here's what you missed on....

I've been absent since June. Life has been busy, but isn't it always? I've been working through lots of hard stuff. But hey, it is what it is. I'm hoping to be a little more regular here since life is slowing down and finding a bit of a routine.   Here are the big things that have happened to us since June: 1. We have completely rebuilt our Baby Step 1 Fund, and are working diligently on Baby Steps 2 and 3. We also have half of our debt paid off! All that is left are tools (to be paid off in March) and Jackson's tools (by the end of next year!). A huge weight has been lifted knowing we at least have our emergency fund and can pull back if need be. 2.  We have been planning big trips! We are going to Gatlinburg in October for our annual camping trip, and we are going to Memphis for our anniversary next year! (if you're in the area, I'd love ideas of where to stay and what to do!)

3.  We have become junkies for early Saturday mornings. We have been getting up early to go places like Centennial Park, Bicentennial Park, and the Farmer's Market (mostly for the purpose of catching pokemon, but still). We have had so much fun waking up early and doing fun things in the city we've lived in our entire lives! 

4. I'm addicted to Friends.  Late to the game, I know. But... we didn't get to watch things like this as kids. I started watching a couple of episodes during my lunch each day and it's the best thing ever. I'm so sad I missed out. 5. Last but not least....... We are having a baby!  More to come later on our baby journey, but we are over the moon to be welcoming Baby Hiney in March 2017. We saw our little peanut this week and heard a healthy heartbeat of 185bpm.