Things Losing My Dad Taught Me

I lost my Dad back in May, and in the last three months, I have learned more about myself, my faith, and what I'm capable of being and doing.
1. God's Timing is God's Timing I hate not being in control, and I spent a lot of time being angry with God, angry with my Dad, and angry in general.  I was angry with my Dad who kept telling me his job was done. I didn't understand what that meant. I was angry with God for taking my dad from me, even more so after we found out we were pregnant. My kids will never know the man they would have called Gramps, who would have spoiled them rotten. But God's timing is good, and I trust that He is sovereign. 
2. 24 years is enough My Dad loved my sister and I with all of his being. I was angry because 24 years with my dad was not enough. It was not until I looked back at all of the great things that were crammed into my 24 years with my Dad that I appreciated it and realized it was and will always be enough.  I learned not to let the "could be" outweigh what was. 
3.  I am my father's daughter I am not only the daughter of one of the most renowned educators in Metro Nashville Public Schools, but I'm the daughter of the King of kings.  My dad was one of the greatest men that ever walked this earth, but my Father is the maker of Heaven and Earth.  Now they are together. 
4.  I am so loved I have never felt the community and lover that I have felt since my Dad died.  There were people who were names to me from Dad's stories who have since wrapped their arms around us and became parts of our family.  It's an amazing feeling.
5.  My life will never be the same ... but that is okay. It's not supposed to be the same. We adapt, we grow, and we move forward.  I have learned how to depend differently, I have learned to be confident in my decisions, rather than double checking them with someone, and I've learned to rely on my own conscience, because that is where Dad lives now... in the things he taught me, the values he instilled, and the person he helped mold me to be.  

Fathers Day

This year, I would have liked for Father's Day to simply disappear from the calendar, but alas. It didn't.  And it won't. Ever. 
I've spent days changing the channel any time a department store commercial, electronics commercial, or even grocery store commercial came on telling me everything I needed to do for my Dad for Father's Day. I can't do any of it because I no longer have one of those. 
I've been handling it well for the most part.  Until Now. 
I miss my Dad more than I know how to say. There are almost 100 times a day that I think about calling him to tell him what just happened, because that was my life. Good things happened, I called Dad. Bad things happened, I called Dad. Just because, I called Dad. He was my best friend and my go-to for things as simple as "I'm walking across campus and want to say hi."  I wouldn't trade our Saturdays for any high school party, I wouldn't trade my weekends home for any weekend hanging with friends, and I wouldn't give up any Friday night spent playing Jeopardy with Dad for anything. I would give anything to be able to have any of that back. 

Happy Father's Day to all of the Daddies out there. If you have yours, hug his neck extra tight today. 

Bye Daddy

Wednesday, May 18, 2016, I lost my best friend.  It was a normal Wednesday. I got up, went to lunch and ran errands, and got a call from my Dad's phone at 4:46 PM. I answered just knowing he needed help resetting the internet or the printer. It was my mother. She said the two words I never thought I'd hear.  Daddy's Gone.  I started shaking, getting light headed, and knew she didn't just say that. I think I asked her what she meant by gone. and all she would say was "gone". She told me Jackson was on his way to come get me. I went to my supervisor and told her what had just happened. I told her I probably wouldn't be back for the week.  One of the girls helped me with my stuff and we went downstairs.  Jackson arrived at 5:25 and we headed to my parents' house. I called my mom and she said that they had just taken my dad to the Medical Examiner's office.  

I bawled the whole way there, I was given one instruction when my dad passed away. It was to log into his computer and find the document titled "Last Information". It was to contain all of the information my Dad left to "settle affairs".  I opened it to find information for his storage units.   That was it.   All my dad left was information for his storage units.   That evening brought the dreaded visit to my Nana to tell her her son was gone.  If I thought losing my daddy was hard, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.  She took it just like I thought she would. She wanted answers we didn't have. She was in shock. We were all in shock.  Thursday brought new hurdles. I had to go to the bank to get into his lock box. When I was 12, he set me up as the only other accessible signer on his lock box. The deal was I would go to the bank, sign, receive a key and retrieve the information in the lock box.  I was informed, after I signed and was told how young my father was and how hard that must be (see also: words not to say to a grieving daughter), that the bank did not keep keys. If I had access to tear apart the bank I would have found it because I know 1,000% that there is a key there for the lock box. We went home and back three times with different sets of keys before we had them drill the box. The box contained nothing. It was empty. I just knew I'd find his will, wishes, something. Nothing. We had a meeting with the funeral home Thursday afternoon during which the funeral director itemized the items, slid the list to my mother and asked if tomorrow was okay for her to pay in full.  Strike 1 for this guy; who has $10,000 laying around to use with less than 24 hours notice?  Anyway, we made it all work, decided what we did and did not need, and that was that. 

Friday was also exhausting, as we had until Noon to bring pictures and a typed obituary to the funeral home.  I got up early to go to Mom's to find pictures. when I couldn't find the bucket with the books in them, I decided they had to be at the storage unit. So I grabbed the keys I was told would go to the units.  I went to the climate controlled unit and was unsuccessful at getting in any of the units. I called the office to make sure I had the right unit number, and I asked about cutting the lock. I was sobbing as the girl told me she couldn't do it without a death certificate.  She politely reminded me rent was due on the first and she wouldn't kick us out if we continued to pay for it. I sat in the floor and cried. and cried. and cried some more.  I banged my head against the door (because of course that would open it.) I couldn't worry about pictures anymore.  We had to be at the funeral home at noon. We found enough pictures to suffice. We had to decide if we wanted a plot or to use the brand new urn garden. What urn we wanted. What flowers, what engravings, what we want for my Nana and mother down the road. Y'all, these decisions each left their own knot in my throat.  After all, Dad's visitation was Saturday at 2:30. We had no time to waste. We informed John that Dad's favorite verse was Psalm 121, and he agreed to put that in the pamphlet. It did not make it in the pamphlet; strike 2. We gave him pictures and promised to e-mail the rest.  My sister e-mailed them at 3:00. At 6:19, John called to let us know nothing had come through and he was trying to go home. I tried to forward the e-mail, and it came back as undeliverable because the file was too large. So I e-mailed him and told him I would have to send them all separately. He made us feel like the biggest inconvenience. Strike 3. I wish I could say it got better.  Saturday, I laid in bed and cried a lot. Barry Manilow, Frankie Valli, and lots of others threw our own little cry fest in my bed.  It made me feel no better. We went to get my mom, went to get my Nana, and on the way my Nana called to tell me I should have known better than to try to go Nolensville Road on a Saturday. That made me angry and I snapped at her and asked just what she wanted me to do about it? I was on my way and that was all I could do.  We got there and my aunts, uncles, other grandmother, and my boss were all there.  I felt awful. They ushered us into the chapel and people followed. We spent hours hearing co-workers, teachers who had taken my Dad's workshops, his students, friends of his, mine, mom's, and Cameron's talk about how wonderful a man he was. I wish I could say that helped.  Sunday, Mom and I had to go pick up the flowers everyone sent that we didn't have space for Saturday.  We decided to only take the prayer plants for me, mom, Nana, and Cameron and donate everything else.  Jackson went on to church and I met him at his Mom's for lunch.  After that, I went to sit with Lou and her baby, and that helped so much. 

Monday brought anger. I'm angry with Dad, with the dog for making dad walk, with my Nana for needing my dad to run errands with her Wednesday, with myself for not calling him that day like I had, for some reason, felt I should do.  I am most angry with my Mother for not keeping her drinking in check so I can grieve and not have to babysit. I am 24 and without my Daddy... my best friend and confidante.  He was the most inspirational man I've ever met, and I miss him more than I can explain. He was the first to tell me when I was wrong and needed to apologize, even up to the fight I had with Jackson last week.  I need to call my Dad and tell him I lost my dad. and that is an unexplainable pain I would not wish on anyone.  He was the man that loved me first, and the first man I loved. He taught me about love and God and life.  If you're the praying kind, send some up for us. If you believe in energy, vibes, or whatever else, send some of those our way. 

Weekending!

Our weekend was one for the books for sure, mostly thanks to the weather I hated so much last week!  I got off work early on Friday because of the incoming snow. It didn't look bad, so I decided to go to Dad's.  Bad call. I got most of the way there before I started sliding on the ice that hadn't melted.  The traction control in my new car (and this being the first winter I've had it) scared me to death.  It starting beeping and flashing and my car came to a complete stop. I finally found the clear road again and got all the way to Dad's before getting stuck in the ice on their street. My car wouldn't drive, it wouldn't reverse, and it was awful. I finally found the yard and was able to park there. I was there for an hour or so and for some reason I decided to look out the window. I couldn't tell where there was street and where the ice was, so I went ahead and came home before it got worse. Jackson's best man came over and we decided to sled down our awesome hills in our apartment complex. 

You can see our tracks from our sledding.
Look how small the jungle gym is for reference on how high up we were.

 Aside from the awesome bruise on my hip and hitting a bump that made me flip and fall on my head (and Jackson's awful back pain), it was the coolest thing I've ever done! Jackson and Byron got some pretty awesome air, too.  Byron got stuck here because of the ice and snow, so he stayed over! Can we just talk about how much more fun sleepovers are when you're adults and it's your best friend? They're the bomb, in case you've never tried it.  Saturday, I got up early because it was Byron's birthday and made bacon, omelettes, and cinnamon rolls! He stayed long enough to watch the Vanderbilt basketball game which was enough time for the rain to turn the ice to sludge.  I ventured out to the grocery after he left because we were out of everything (milk, eggs, bread... snow essentials, you know!). I also ran into my first set of Girl Scouts and scored some Trefoils. After being caught in a tsunami, I made it home to watch Despicable Me and Wreck It Ralph. 

Sunday, church was delayed because the parking lot was still an ice rink. We went to church at 11, went to Jackson's parents' house, then came home. We scored free pizza for dinner, and let's be real, that's the best kind of pizza. We settled in to watch The Walking Dead and The Oscars and then turned in early. 
Schools are out again today, so I'm rolling into work late (because it's our company policy... not because I have little'ns). Here's to kicking this week in the butt! 

Thanksgiving 2014

Our Thanksgiving weekend was a long, busy weekend full of family and no rest! Isn't that how that works, though? You have days off so you stay up too late? No? Just me? Cool.   Thursday, we had lunch/dinner with my mother's family.  Afterward, Dad, Mom, Cameron and I went to Walmart where Dad proceeded to almost get in a fight with a man who called my mother something not so nice.  I think Walmart is where Christmas Cheer goes to die.   I woke Jackson up early (8am) Friday morning to put up our Christmas decorations. Wife of the year, I know.  We have our Black and Gold Vandy tree up and decorated! Tree skirt is a work in progress.  If anyone knows where I can get a cute one under $20, I'd be grateful! Our favorite part was hanging The Ornament we bought on our Honeymoon! Waiting a whole ten months to hang it was torture!

Then we went to his family's Thanksgiving and ate our little hearts out all over again! We played almost an hour's worth of Uno, and then Jackson got tired which resulted in puppy snuggles:

Saturday, we did my Dad's family's Thanksgiving and played with my cousin's children.  There aren't any pictures of that, though, because we were too busy throwing children in the air and spilling coke on them. (oops.)   Also unpictured: Getting hooked on the game "My Singing Monsters" Watching all of the GREEK our hearts could handle Catching up on The Walking Dead Eating an entire bag of Rolos and Caramels All of the awesome items I crossed off of our shopping list Both of us being sick and piled up on the couch All of the empty DayQuil packages on the counter  

Weekend Update!

Happy Tuesday! I feel like it has been forever since I blogged or talked to anyone. Thank heavens for long weekends.    Friday, I worked and then came home. I didn't do much Friday night except for rest.  It was much needed.  I worked on one of the three polos I'm embroidering for the pre-school at church.

Jackson went to the church lockin with the mindset that he was not staying all night. 6AM when he was crawling into bed.....   Saturday, I woke up early to go with my parents to move my sister into her dorm in Chattanooga.  I sent pictures to Jackson all day to make sure he was included in the fun of the coffee, carsickness, campus and lunch.

   Sunday was my daddy's birthday. We went to lunch at Cracker Barrel where I beat this guy at Checkers.  okay, I'm lying. I hadn't played checkers in ages, so we had a lot of fun. :)  

 

and last but not least... I had my interview yesterday. It was great.  I was interviewed by three ladies who all said they were impressed that I was so calm in my interview.  She said she could tell I was a people person and that I was confident.  phew! I'm glad that anticipation is over... now to wait to hear back!

 

I'm catching up on all of your weekend happenings, and I hope you're having a great week so far! We're past Monday, and that counts for something, right!?

   

Happy Father's Day

Father's Day is one of my favorite holidays. Mostly because I get to celebrate the best geezer on the planet.    I am the definition of a daddy's girl.  My dad is and has always been my best friend. Getting married was one of the hardest things I have ever done because it meant that I would suddenly be depending on Jackson rather than my dad.  It took me a long long time to get past that fact.    My dad is my rock. Growing up with an alcoholic mother, my dad always played both Mom and Dad.  He never missed a soccer game, never missed a track meet, never let anyone out-cheer him.  He was at every band concert, every performance and competition, every award ceremony, every homecoming, every prom, every graduation. He chaperoned dances, was the supervision at lock-ins.  He was never absent. Whether he was in the front row cheering or behind the scenes making sure everything was covered, he was there.  I really have no idea how he did it all.  

My dad instilled in me my values and my opinions, allowing me to make my mistakes and choices that would shape the woman I would become.  He taught me the importance of knowing who I am and knowing who I want to become. He taught me about being both conservative and ouspoken.  He taught me to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

 

There really aren't words to say exactly what he means to me because it's as big as the world.  He deserves for every day to be Father's Day.

 

They say girls marry men like their daddies, which for me, is a great thing because I have the most caring, loving, giving dad in the entire world. 

Humpday Confessions

I confess....   ....I love having Mondays off, but I really hate working 10 hour days for the rest of the week. 5am comes way too stinkin early and I'm cranky until 8.

  ... I got an iPhone on Saturday, and my favorite part is the emoji conversations between me and Jackson.   ...I was so not ready to commit to having every aspect of my life go through a Galaxy S5.  I walked in to T-mobile thinking that's what I wanted, but quickly changed my mind after playing with one. They're great for people who organize with their phones, track every breath and heartbeat, etc. But for me, I was not ready for that kind of relationship with my phone. Siri, on the other hand...   ... Since I got married, I seem to have taken my up-tight gloves off. I now dance with the best of them, I listen to music besides Christian and Country music, I have a lot more fun. It felt good to hear people say, "we had no idea you could let loose like that" at Taylor's wedding on Friday.

  ... I have no idea what to get my dad for Father's Day.  The man really has everything. He wants it, he buys it.  I did think about a Fandango gift card for Jersey Boys tickets for the five of us.

   ... I watched 12 hours of Pretty Little Liars on Monday.  I still have one more episode to watch before I can watch the new one, so I plan to do that at work today and watch the re-run and new one next week. #notsorry 

  ... I am so ready for all of this Nashville rain to go away.  My old lady knees and knuckles can't take the ache. 

  ... People who buy and don't pay for items on eBay drive me absolutely nuts.  Seriously. If you can't or won't pay for it, why even bid on it? ugh.   ... I'm overly excited for my new planner to arrive, considering the fact that it doesn't even start until July....

Our Wedding: Redo's

After attending a wedding post-Hinners wedding, I have a bunch of things I'd do all over again for our wedding. 

1. Having a first look with Jackson and one with my daddy - I wouldn't give these moments up for anything. Looking back, they were two of my top five moments of the day. I was able to decompress and get rid of my jitters with Jackson and I was able to have a sweet moment, just me and my daddy before I was swept away as a bride.  
2. My dress - My dress was one of my favorite parts of my wedding. It took me two trips to David's Bridal and a breakdown with an awful consultant to find the dress. The second I put it on, I knew it was mine.
3. My venue - I loved having our wedding at our church. It was the church Jackson grew up in, the church both of us were baptized in, the church family that had poured into our relationship from the beginning, and the church that we will someday raise our own family. It just made sense.
   

    
4. My reception - Everything about our reception was a dream come true (minus the fact that we couldn't dance).  From the Christmas light, gossamer canopy to the dessert bar to the cake, everything was perfect.
5. The budget - I wasn't given a budget to begin with, I was just very conscious about how much we spent. Our wedding, total, was $7,000 (give or take a few dollars). We had everything we'd ever dreamed of, and that was simply enough. We didn't have to go to ridiculously measures to have the wedding of our dreams.
6. My maids and men - having each of these people in our wedding made our wedding what it was. Each of them brought something special to our day, and we wouldn't have had it any other way.
   
7. My bridal party attire - We used Men's Warehouse for our tuxes. They were a grey, Calvin Klein suit and pant, white shirt, navy vest and bowtie and pocket square. Jackson wore a grey vest with a white bowtie. They all had Happy Socks! :) Our girls wore Mori Lee style 181 in Navy. :) It was flattering on all of them!!
8. My flowers - I may have mentioned before that my flowers were artificial. I put together all of the bouquets and boutonnieres: groomsmen, fathers (I forgot our officiant.. oops), bridesmaids, mothers, grandmothers, and our Kroger florist where my mom works put together my bouquet... all ten pounds of it. :) We went to Joann's and spent $160 on flowers for 21 people (including my huge) bouquet. I bought every pink peony, white hydrangea, white rose, and baby's breath in Nashville. We also used artificial flowers in our centerpieces for our reception.
9.  Having Heath marry us - Our officiate is the associate minister at our church. He was the youth minister when I started attending church at Jackson Park, and for Jackson three years before that.  He has seen our ups and downs, breakups, fights, and our best moments.  I wouldn't have had anyone else marry us for the world.
10.  Hiring a videographer and photographer we knew well - It seems like it is a "duh" thing to hire both the videographer and a photographer, but it was even better having people we knew and trusted in these areas.  Our videographer is a member at our church and does videography for a living. Our photographer was a life-long family friend that I have known all my life. He has taken pictures of my sister and I growing up, so it made sense to hire him. Hiring people we knew also enabled us to use the money saved elsewhere. We only paid $200 for our videos (rehearsal, ceremony, and reception) and our photography was free.
11. My Groom (cheese alert) - I wouild not have traded marrying Jackson for any of the first ten things listed.  :) At the end of the day, we were married and thats what mattered. 



FRIDAY!!!!

Happy Good Friday! I hope we're all taking a few minutes to reflect on today and its meaning.   High Five that we made it to Friday, yes? Knowing I had Friday off work made this week drag.   1. I updated our chalkboard to reflect something Easter-y that had nothing to do with bunnies, eggs, and seersucker.  Don't get me wrong, I love it all. The only time I don't love it is when it takes precedence over Jesus.

 

2.

For some reason, my teriyaki chicken kabobs were the bomb dot com this week. Not that they aren't always (toot, toot), but they were awesome this time. Maybe it's the blood I shed using our mandolin slicer to make zucchini chips before making the kabobs. I'm completely kidding - I put a bandaid on that mess!

 

3.

I found this throwback from my Senior prom in 2010.  Cue "I'm not anywhere near a size 6 anymore" thoughts, yes? haha, I'm joking.  But really, it's crazy how much we have changed in four years!

 

4.

Hubs won this toolbox at work retailed at $5,000. He bought raffle tickets to benefit one of the men in his company who needs a life-saving surgery, and he won! Now the dilemma is to keep or to sell it.  He has a massive multi-thousand dollar tool box that is perfect size, but we could really use the money. We could pay off almost half of his tool bill with that money which would expedite the plan. Of course, if we could sell it for full retail, we could split it 50/50 and pay down some of the tool bills and donate half of it to the man having surgery.  ohh the dilemma. I'm so proud of him, though! Winning is in his blood! His mama is sweepstakes master!!

 

5.

Today I'm enjoying a daddy-daughter day with my dad. I miss that old geezer and spending time with him.

   

Our Wedding: Here Comes the Bride and Ceremony

Our wedding ceremony was perfect! From the song selection to the vows, everything was just as I've always imagined. We were married in the church Jackson grew up in, the church both of us were baptized in, and the church in which we plan to raise our family.  It was so meaningful to us! We were married by one of our best friends.  My daddy and I walked down the aisle to Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini from our favorite movie, Somewhere in Time. Listen and fall in love. 

 

Our unity candle was lit to the song "Then" by Brad Paisley.

(This is my favorite part on our wedding video because you can hear everything we're saying while we're lighting our candle.  I said things like "Why did we pick such a long song?" and "I can't wait to kiss you." and "I can't believe this is the day we've waited for our entire lives.")

...and our first kiss looked a little something like this: