Our Baby Journey

If you had told me when I was twelve that the boy I hated would be my husband and father of my children, I may have punched you in the face. But hey, here we are living the dream. I'd let you punch me back, if that's any consolation. ;) I'll go ahead and apologize for the little bits of TMI.   Our journey started in July of 2015 when I came off of birth control in hopes to regulate my body after five long years of daily 9:00 appointments with Betty Conrad (that was our code for birth control, as we didn't want the whole world knowing we were responsible? haha). I had started becoming depressed and having really bad mood swings on my birth control, and we were shooting for October anyway, so we thought why the heck not?   August had no visit from Aunt Flo and a quick remedy of Provera. September was missed, and she finally made her return with a vengeance in October. All the while, I was testing using Clear Blue's Ovulation Test every day following my expected period with no smiley face every single day (which I read is pretty normal...)(side note: those things are ridiculously expensive. Why no refills, Clear Blue?). After a weekend of friends and fun and not thinking about it, the smiley face still had not appeared. But we tried anyway. And we waited.  While waiting, I had to go try on and be fitted for a bridesmaids dress. So I told Hamlin about waiting to test and the girls at the bridal shop thought it'd be fun to measure using the belly... which may be the weirdest thing ever. 

    Tuesday came and no Aunt Flo. So I took a test; I wasn't too surprised to see a negative, as I'd read it's better to wait and more accurate the later in the week you test. So I waited.  Thursday, there was something faint on the test other than the control line... so I had Jackson look at it. He compared it to the negative from Tuesday and said they looked the same. I blamed it on my hopeful eyes and threw it away... and I waited. Friday brought another negative... but no Aunt Flo... so I waited. Sunday brought another, so I let it go.    Then came the discussions (that probably should have come back in July) about what we wanted. Did we want to actively try (track it and test every month) or did we want to simply stop trying not to get pregnant and let it happen? Was it too much pressure? Was it stressing us out?  We agreed to not put too much pressure on it and that was that.    I had my annual appointment in November and doc agreed that it was stress and to chill out.   She also hinted at the possibility of a thyroid issue. So I had blood drawn and we waited. Thyroid was A-OK, and I wasn't pregnant. So her only advice - stop stressing about it and have fun. December brought another round of Provera and Aunt Flo. New Years brought lots of trying and a new job.... So then not so much trying... but still not trying not to.  February came and went. March came and went.  April came and I just knew this was it. I was feeling extra awful, cramping, spotting (tmi?) and Jackson was out of town for a week for work. I had the perfect plan: I'd find out, surprise him that weekend with a spontaneous pinspired photo shoot to tell him, and we'd live happily ever after.  Well.  All tests were negative.  I still wasn't feeling quite right the next week, so I tested again. Negative. 
I  broke down and called my doctor. I told her how down I was about the whole process and that we were almost at the year mark. She gave me lots of instructions, numbers, dates, etc. to write down, along with a prescription for Clomid. "When Provera works it's magic and you hit day 3, call me, and I'll call in Clomid. Take that for 5 days. Come back on day 21 and we will draw some blood to see where we stand."  I did just as I was instructed. It did nothing for me. I didn't ovulate; all it gave me was acne like a 13 year old, 5 pounds to work off, and mood swings like I've never had before. But we went for round two at a higher dosage, and then on the 4th of July, we got the smiley face we had been waiting months for.  

We followed our instructions to make our own fireworks for the next 48 hours, making time for actual fourth of July fireworks somewhere in there. The next 10 days that followed were full of cramps, headaches, mood swings, hot flashes, a whole bunch of awfulness. I read that Clomid could cause these side effects, so I dismissed it... until I had a feeling I should test. Just a feeling... and bam:

It was faint, so it took a minute for my eyes to adjust. But there it was, our faint, second pink line we had been praying for for almost a year. I texted the above picture to Jackson and asked him if that was clearer than the test I forced him to squint at at 5:30 that morning. He said yes, and then went into hyper panic mode. I never imagined I'd tell my husband I was pregnant in a picture sent by text, but hey.... it is what it is. There was no way I was going to hold that secret for the rest of the day without losing my mind.  

Then came the long FIVE WEEK WAIT because WHO finds out at THREE WEEKS and some change?! 8 weeks came, with all of the anxiety and nervousness that it brings before you see your peanut for the first time.... and there it was. With a healthy heart beat, measuring exactly as it should be, perfectly healthy and happy. 

It has been a LONG journey, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. This was so worth the wait. 

 

Here's what you missed on....

I've been absent since June. Life has been busy, but isn't it always? I've been working through lots of hard stuff. But hey, it is what it is. I'm hoping to be a little more regular here since life is slowing down and finding a bit of a routine.   Here are the big things that have happened to us since June: 1. We have completely rebuilt our Baby Step 1 Fund, and are working diligently on Baby Steps 2 and 3. We also have half of our debt paid off! All that is left are tools (to be paid off in March) and Jackson's tools (by the end of next year!). A huge weight has been lifted knowing we at least have our emergency fund and can pull back if need be. 2.  We have been planning big trips! We are going to Gatlinburg in October for our annual camping trip, and we are going to Memphis for our anniversary next year! (if you're in the area, I'd love ideas of where to stay and what to do!)

3.  We have become junkies for early Saturday mornings. We have been getting up early to go places like Centennial Park, Bicentennial Park, and the Farmer's Market (mostly for the purpose of catching pokemon, but still). We have had so much fun waking up early and doing fun things in the city we've lived in our entire lives! 

4. I'm addicted to Friends.  Late to the game, I know. But... we didn't get to watch things like this as kids. I started watching a couple of episodes during my lunch each day and it's the best thing ever. I'm so sad I missed out. 5. Last but not least....... We are having a baby!  More to come later on our baby journey, but we are over the moon to be welcoming Baby Hiney in March 2017. We saw our little peanut this week and heard a healthy heartbeat of 185bpm. 

Fathers Day

This year, I would have liked for Father's Day to simply disappear from the calendar, but alas. It didn't.  And it won't. Ever. 
I've spent days changing the channel any time a department store commercial, electronics commercial, or even grocery store commercial came on telling me everything I needed to do for my Dad for Father's Day. I can't do any of it because I no longer have one of those. 
I've been handling it well for the most part.  Until Now. 
I miss my Dad more than I know how to say. There are almost 100 times a day that I think about calling him to tell him what just happened, because that was my life. Good things happened, I called Dad. Bad things happened, I called Dad. Just because, I called Dad. He was my best friend and my go-to for things as simple as "I'm walking across campus and want to say hi."  I wouldn't trade our Saturdays for any high school party, I wouldn't trade my weekends home for any weekend hanging with friends, and I wouldn't give up any Friday night spent playing Jeopardy with Dad for anything. I would give anything to be able to have any of that back. 

Happy Father's Day to all of the Daddies out there. If you have yours, hug his neck extra tight today. 

Grief

Grief looks different for everyone, and I didn't truly understand that until going through it after losing my daddy. My sister went back to Chattanooga and back to work right after my dad's memorial service.  My mom has fallen weak to her alcoholism again. I took the week off of work to stay busy working through paperwork, finances, and to sort through my thoughts and feelings.  I have hit the anger stage of grief. It is ugly.

I'm mad at my dad for not taking it easy that day. He went to the grocery with my Nana, carried in her groceries, ran countless errands, came home and walked the dog. It was too much for his heart; you could never tell my dad not to give anything his all.  I'm mad at him for not leaving anything other than the information for his storage units.  I'm mad at him for not taking better care of himself. I'm mad that he thought his job was done since we were both out of college with jobs; the job doesn't stop there.  I'm mad at my dad's doctor. He called him 3 weeks ago to report chest pains, and he took too long to refer him to a cardiologist.  He died. In trying to get his death certificate and paperwork worked out, his doctor refused to sign anything because he had not physically seen my dad since November.  Not only that, he didn't have the decency to call and tell us that... we had to keep calling and getting the messages from his nurse who refused to take my number so he could call me back. She also told me she couldn't release any information to anyone other than the patient. Funny, right? I politely told her I would be doing anything I needed to to let his doctor know that he was responsible for my dad's death. Suddenly, she helped with any and everything I needed. I'm mad at my mom for not trying to be stronger, for not trying to keep the alcohol from consuming her.  I'm mad at my sister for blowing off my mom and leaving me to clean up the hurt feelings along with everything else.  I'm mad that my children won't ever get to meet my dad.  I never told him we were trying to get pregnant because I wanted it to be a surprise. Now, it doesn't matter. My children will never get to know him or spend any time with him. They will never know the man that would have been Gramps.  I'm angry at myself for not calling him Wednesday morning. Something told me to and I didn't. I got wrapped up in work and forgot.  I'm angry that life continues to go on as usual, as if nothing ever happened. That has been the hardest part yet.  I'm sure it will be worse when I return to work Tuesday, as I will get the same calls from the same disgruntled employees as usual. Life goes on. 

Bye Daddy

Wednesday, May 18, 2016, I lost my best friend.  It was a normal Wednesday. I got up, went to lunch and ran errands, and got a call from my Dad's phone at 4:46 PM. I answered just knowing he needed help resetting the internet or the printer. It was my mother. She said the two words I never thought I'd hear.  Daddy's Gone.  I started shaking, getting light headed, and knew she didn't just say that. I think I asked her what she meant by gone. and all she would say was "gone". She told me Jackson was on his way to come get me. I went to my supervisor and told her what had just happened. I told her I probably wouldn't be back for the week.  One of the girls helped me with my stuff and we went downstairs.  Jackson arrived at 5:25 and we headed to my parents' house. I called my mom and she said that they had just taken my dad to the Medical Examiner's office.  

I bawled the whole way there, I was given one instruction when my dad passed away. It was to log into his computer and find the document titled "Last Information". It was to contain all of the information my Dad left to "settle affairs".  I opened it to find information for his storage units.   That was it.   All my dad left was information for his storage units.   That evening brought the dreaded visit to my Nana to tell her her son was gone.  If I thought losing my daddy was hard, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.  She took it just like I thought she would. She wanted answers we didn't have. She was in shock. We were all in shock.  Thursday brought new hurdles. I had to go to the bank to get into his lock box. When I was 12, he set me up as the only other accessible signer on his lock box. The deal was I would go to the bank, sign, receive a key and retrieve the information in the lock box.  I was informed, after I signed and was told how young my father was and how hard that must be (see also: words not to say to a grieving daughter), that the bank did not keep keys. If I had access to tear apart the bank I would have found it because I know 1,000% that there is a key there for the lock box. We went home and back three times with different sets of keys before we had them drill the box. The box contained nothing. It was empty. I just knew I'd find his will, wishes, something. Nothing. We had a meeting with the funeral home Thursday afternoon during which the funeral director itemized the items, slid the list to my mother and asked if tomorrow was okay for her to pay in full.  Strike 1 for this guy; who has $10,000 laying around to use with less than 24 hours notice?  Anyway, we made it all work, decided what we did and did not need, and that was that. 

Friday was also exhausting, as we had until Noon to bring pictures and a typed obituary to the funeral home.  I got up early to go to Mom's to find pictures. when I couldn't find the bucket with the books in them, I decided they had to be at the storage unit. So I grabbed the keys I was told would go to the units.  I went to the climate controlled unit and was unsuccessful at getting in any of the units. I called the office to make sure I had the right unit number, and I asked about cutting the lock. I was sobbing as the girl told me she couldn't do it without a death certificate.  She politely reminded me rent was due on the first and she wouldn't kick us out if we continued to pay for it. I sat in the floor and cried. and cried. and cried some more.  I banged my head against the door (because of course that would open it.) I couldn't worry about pictures anymore.  We had to be at the funeral home at noon. We found enough pictures to suffice. We had to decide if we wanted a plot or to use the brand new urn garden. What urn we wanted. What flowers, what engravings, what we want for my Nana and mother down the road. Y'all, these decisions each left their own knot in my throat.  After all, Dad's visitation was Saturday at 2:30. We had no time to waste. We informed John that Dad's favorite verse was Psalm 121, and he agreed to put that in the pamphlet. It did not make it in the pamphlet; strike 2. We gave him pictures and promised to e-mail the rest.  My sister e-mailed them at 3:00. At 6:19, John called to let us know nothing had come through and he was trying to go home. I tried to forward the e-mail, and it came back as undeliverable because the file was too large. So I e-mailed him and told him I would have to send them all separately. He made us feel like the biggest inconvenience. Strike 3. I wish I could say it got better.  Saturday, I laid in bed and cried a lot. Barry Manilow, Frankie Valli, and lots of others threw our own little cry fest in my bed.  It made me feel no better. We went to get my mom, went to get my Nana, and on the way my Nana called to tell me I should have known better than to try to go Nolensville Road on a Saturday. That made me angry and I snapped at her and asked just what she wanted me to do about it? I was on my way and that was all I could do.  We got there and my aunts, uncles, other grandmother, and my boss were all there.  I felt awful. They ushered us into the chapel and people followed. We spent hours hearing co-workers, teachers who had taken my Dad's workshops, his students, friends of his, mine, mom's, and Cameron's talk about how wonderful a man he was. I wish I could say that helped.  Sunday, Mom and I had to go pick up the flowers everyone sent that we didn't have space for Saturday.  We decided to only take the prayer plants for me, mom, Nana, and Cameron and donate everything else.  Jackson went on to church and I met him at his Mom's for lunch.  After that, I went to sit with Lou and her baby, and that helped so much. 

Monday brought anger. I'm angry with Dad, with the dog for making dad walk, with my Nana for needing my dad to run errands with her Wednesday, with myself for not calling him that day like I had, for some reason, felt I should do.  I am most angry with my Mother for not keeping her drinking in check so I can grieve and not have to babysit. I am 24 and without my Daddy... my best friend and confidante.  He was the most inspirational man I've ever met, and I miss him more than I can explain. He was the first to tell me when I was wrong and needed to apologize, even up to the fight I had with Jackson last week.  I need to call my Dad and tell him I lost my dad. and that is an unexplainable pain I would not wish on anyone.  He was the man that loved me first, and the first man I loved. He taught me about love and God and life.  If you're the praying kind, send some up for us. If you believe in energy, vibes, or whatever else, send some of those our way. 

A Day in the Life

My routine is pretty much the same every. single. day. Here's what a day in the life looks like for me.   5:30 the alarm goes off the first time 5:45 the alarm goes off the second time. If I have to wash my hair I get up to shower. 6:00 get out of bed, shower if I haven't already been up showering. 6:10 pack lunches. Jackson gets a turkey sandwich, fruit and veggies, and a gatorade. He packs the rest of his lunch when he gets up. I usually pack my salad, pretzel sticks, and vitamin water. 6:15 feed Feeny 6:20 dry and straighten my hair, put on makeup, brush my teeth, love on Feeny who is usually laying in the sink

6:40 get dressed 6:45 out the door 7:20-7:30 arrive at work (depending on traffic) 8:00 work work work "No sir, we can't work through those felonies" work work 12:00 lunch (sometimes I go to Target just to walk around) 1:00 work work "I'm sorry you missed your drug test. You knew you had 48 hours" work work work 
5:00 Let's blow this popsickle stand!  5:20 arrive at the gym 6:00-6:10 leave the gym If it's Monday, I call my Nana on the way home from the gym.  6:40 arrive at home, check the mail 6:50 Start dinner 7:15 Jackson gets home 7:30 we eat dinner 8:00-10:00 we usually play with Feeny, I clean a bit, Jackson does dishes, we relax and watch Harry Potter if it's Tuesday, and usually Big Bang or Modern Family or Kimmy Schmidt if it's another day of the week. 10:10 pack my gym bag for the next day 10:15 brush my teeth, take off my makeup, and get in bed.

Summer to-do's

Because of my spring hiatus, I didn't make a spring to-do list. We really stayed too busy to complete anything that would have gone on it other than "Get Allergies".  So here's to giving a go at a Summer To-Do list

String lights on our balcony

Take the new boat out on the lake

Spend lots of time outside

Plant Summery flowers

Go to the Renaissance Festival

Go to the Wilson County Fair

Swim, swim, swim in our apartment's new pool! 

Go camping

Tie Dye

Pick berries

Our Wild Weekend

Our weekend was busy to say the least, hence the weekend post on Tuesday.   Thursday night, I had to go get my nails done for the wedding. Jackson stayed home and held down the fort.  While I was gone, someone hit an AT&T pole and knocked out the phone and internet for our area.  So I couldn't get ahold of my parents and was panicking. I went from the nail salon to Kroger for poster board and markers for baseball signs, went to check on my parentals, and came home.  We decompressed, I finally ate a bowl of Cheerios for dinner, and we made baseball signs for the weekend games. 
Friday, I had my oldest best's rehearsal dinner for her wedding. We had a blast. We ate delicious Maggianos, and enjoyed the beautiful weather.  It was also where the seven things (that will go wrong on your wedding day) began. I don't believe in too many wedding superstitions, but that is one that never fails.  While rehearsing, we figured out quickly that wedges and heels were not going to work with the unsteady rocks we were standing on, so one of the bridesmaids decided to try on her dress with her sandals to make sure it wasn't too long.  No big deal until we tried to get her out of the dress. It was a cheap zipper that had gotten bent somehow, and it was looking as if she would have to sleep in it.  After 20 minutes of trying to unzip it, she grabbed the pocket knife and ripped the seam between the zipper and the dress. We secretly sent it home with the groom's mom to sew back.   Saturday, Jackson and I both had whirlwind days.  I got up early, pampered my bride, went for coffee, and headed to Lebanon to start our day.  Jackson, on the other hand, got up early, went to walk my parents' dog because they were in Chattanooga for my Sister's graduation from college.  He then went to pick up my medicine and headed out to the baseball game for our friends' awesome son. 

He then headed to the wedding where he proceeded to wink me down the aisle, and dance with me all night.  I danced with people I hadn't seen since high school and loved it all! I hope she loved her wedding, because it was so much fun.  

Sunday, we slept until 11AM, went to see my mom for Mother's Day, and spent the rest of the night relaxing. :) 

I hope your weekends were awesome! 

Dating Mr. Hinners

As many you have read, our main goal for 2016 is getting as much of our debt paid off as possible.  We have big goals for our money down the road – I’ve got my eye on a 15 acre plot with a Gatlinburg-esqe cabin on it – and none of those plans will be possible unless we are out of our 35k hole.  My biggest fear when taking the plunge to pay off our debts was that we were going to have to forfeit our lifestyle.  We have made many changes to our lifestyle to make room for more money. I got a new, higher paying job back in January (that I love, by the way), Jackson works overtime to get some extra money, and we cut back on our eating out habits. We also have ‘allowances’ for spending now.  We each get $40 a month to spend or save to splurge later.  I’d been saving mine for a while, hence my five great purchases last week. ;) The big thing I didn’t want to let go of was dating. Living in Nashville, everything is tourist aimed, and it costs to do almost everything.  

Recently we were challenged to think of all of the ways we spend time with our family and friends inexpensively.  We have gotten really good at finding and creating free or cheap quality time adventures that are still just as awesome:

Painting pottery (the key to this one is having the punch card. If it’s something you do often, enroll in their rewards to make saving money easier!)

Nap -no really. We love taking an afternoon snooze. and it's free. :) 

Make breakfast together.  Pull all of the candy out of the pantry, slice all the fruit in the fridge, and throw it all into a pancake or two. 

Drive. And keep driving. We play the "Flip a Coin" game on our country back roads.  When we get to the intersection, we flip a coin: Heads, we go right; Tails we go left; if you drop it you go straight.  We have found some of the most beautiful fields to play in that way. 

Make S'mores over a candle. Or in the microwave.  

Play a board game. We have recently learned to love Settlers of Catan, Mexican Train Dominoes, and golf (the card game).  Exploding kittens is another fun one that we usually save for family game nights.  

Take a walk. It's free and it's good for you. We walk around our complex all the time. We usually catch a bonus sunset.  

Have a movie date. Not at the theater... that is way too expensive.  Charge your phone, drive down to one of the fields you found while taking a drive (preferably one where your data works), park the truck, pack the truck bed full of blankets, and watch the movie. :)

Hiking or walking on the Greenways often end in playing in the water down by the river.

Build a fort in the living room. Arrange all of your furniture so you can string your blankets and lights and pile pillows in there, too.  Grab a Redbox, your laptop, and have a movie date in your fort. :) 

As overwhelming as it can be, we also like to sit and assess our financial progress. Our plan for this weekend is to sit down and do some retirement planning using the Retirement Plannerfrom Personal Capital. 

What are your favorite free and cheap quality time ideas? 

Five {great buys} on Friday

Lately, I've made some great purchases. Here are my five favorites 1. Have you been to Walmart lately? No? You're missing out. They have some of the cutest dresses and blouses I've seen in a while. Here are some of the ones I bought recently. Most of them can be cardigan-ed for fall. ;)

(1 & 2)(3)(4 & 5)(6) 2.  We got an HHGregg gift card for $100 when we bought our Washer and Dryer.  I was desperately needing a new pillow. So... since our gift card was about to expire anyway, I scored this amazing pillow.   3.  My new planner came on Friday. I bought the same one that I had last year from SHPplanners. I can't wait to start my list making routine with the new and improved version of this year's planner. 

4.

My latest ThredUp haul was humble, but exciting. I needed some new khaki and white shorts, and the tops and dress were bonus. 

5.

I bought our Championship game t-shirts. I actually bought UNC Champion shirts, but, you know, because I went and got my heart broken by that game, I got these as collateral.