Faith Changer

I was in a very bad place with my faith after Dad died. I spent a lot of time angry with God, with His timing, and with His plan.  I didn't understand how His plan could include me losing my dad, but it did, and I had a heard time being okay with that. 
Until Baby. 
We tried to get pregnant for a year, and God was working behind the scenes the whole time to bring His plan to fruition... in His time.  I still wasn't ready to trust. I was beyond thankful for His provisions, but still working  through my anger. 
I was raised to hope for the best, plan for the worst, and pretty much stress until the worst doesn't happen. If it does, then I have at least prepared myself for whatever that is. For example, at our first appointment, I knew I'd lay there and not hear a heartbeat. I was prepared for that, and would deal with it when it got here. But it didn't. Baby had a heartbeat of 185 beats per minute! Not only did it have a heartbeat, but it was a strong, healthy heartbeat. Still, my trust wavered.  
We bought our home heartbeat monitor just to have for fun. We couldn't find the heartbeat, and although I read it was more than normal at 9 or 10 weeks, I was devastated. Until we found it on Jackson's birthday (press play below). It was at that point that I realized His timing was good, and His promise and love was unfailing.  I sobbed. My baby was fine, I was fine, everything was fine. 

Sunday morning, I woke up at about 3 AM to go to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. I panicked, but for some reason, I had a peace. I knew everything with our child was going to be okay, and I trusted that God would bring us through no matter what.  We went for our appointment Monday afternoon and saw baby wiggling and waving and kicking away. There was no explanation other than "sometimes, it happens." I've never been more thankful to hear that answer. 

This has been a faith changer for me. I have never ever been good at releasing control of anything, but not having control of any of this forces me to release control. It's new for me, but it's a welcomed change. 

Things Losing My Dad Taught Me

I lost my Dad back in May, and in the last three months, I have learned more about myself, my faith, and what I'm capable of being and doing.
1. God's Timing is God's Timing I hate not being in control, and I spent a lot of time being angry with God, angry with my Dad, and angry in general.  I was angry with my Dad who kept telling me his job was done. I didn't understand what that meant. I was angry with God for taking my dad from me, even more so after we found out we were pregnant. My kids will never know the man they would have called Gramps, who would have spoiled them rotten. But God's timing is good, and I trust that He is sovereign. 
2. 24 years is enough My Dad loved my sister and I with all of his being. I was angry because 24 years with my dad was not enough. It was not until I looked back at all of the great things that were crammed into my 24 years with my Dad that I appreciated it and realized it was and will always be enough.  I learned not to let the "could be" outweigh what was. 
3.  I am my father's daughter I am not only the daughter of one of the most renowned educators in Metro Nashville Public Schools, but I'm the daughter of the King of kings.  My dad was one of the greatest men that ever walked this earth, but my Father is the maker of Heaven and Earth.  Now they are together. 
4.  I am so loved I have never felt the community and lover that I have felt since my Dad died.  There were people who were names to me from Dad's stories who have since wrapped their arms around us and became parts of our family.  It's an amazing feeling.
5.  My life will never be the same ... but that is okay. It's not supposed to be the same. We adapt, we grow, and we move forward.  I have learned how to depend differently, I have learned to be confident in my decisions, rather than double checking them with someone, and I've learned to rely on my own conscience, because that is where Dad lives now... in the things he taught me, the values he instilled, and the person he helped mold me to be.  

Easter Weekend 2015

Our Easter Weekend was busy but so much fun!   Friday, I hung out with Dad all day. We went to Kohls, to Ross, and to Target before coming home and binging on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Seriously one of the funniest shows ever. Friday night, Jackson, Byron, and I went on a date. We went to Cracker Barrel and to see Furious 7.  I bawled like a baby at the end. Seriously, you need to see it.

  Saturday was the busiest of days.  We had an Easter Egg hunt at church, but before I went there, I had to go get more craft supplies, get groceries, unload groceries, and then get to the church.  The craft went really really well, and Jackson and I even made one, too. ;)

 

Saturday afternoon, we went to Home Depot to get supplies, and we built a new fire pit in place of the one we've been using for years.  Side note, if you've never shopped somewhere like Home Depot with your best friends.... do so. It's hilarious.

 

Sunday was Easter and Jackson's Daddy's birthday. We went to church for a great Easter sermon, had steaks for lunch, opened presents, and went home and napped. Sunday was quite a great cap on a full weekend.    I can't wait to see all of your Easter recaps!!

I'm Inn

This year, one of my main prayers has been that God will use my gifts for His glory. Of course, it took some reflection for me to really figure out what my gifts are so that He can use them.   Challenge: Sit down and write down things you're good at It's so empowering and fulfilling. My list included painting, cooking, embroidery, and a few others.  Once I knew what I was good at, I could pray a little more specifically. Lord, please use my cooking to Your glory.  Lord, help me use my embroidery and painting to further Your kingdom.

(via)

I signed up last Fall to help with Room in the Inn, a church ministry that brings in homeless men and women giving them a place to sleep, a meal, and supplies to shower.  God was working in my life before I ever prayed.  I was asked to work with the sweetest woman (our wedding coordinator) and three of my friends to make baked spaghetti, french bread, salad, and dessert. I was able to use my cooking to further the Kingdom.  Not only did we cook for them, we ate with them. We broke bread with our brothers and learned more about them.   It was humbling. It was a blessing. It was so fulfilling. What are you good at? How can you use your gifts to work for something good?!

You & Me Forever

(via)

I started this book on Monday after my sweet Mother In Love gave it to us Sunday.  It is doing some major work on my "need to be the perfect wife" heart. 

The first chapter deals with our own personal relationships and fear of God.  Marriage cannot flourish if our own, personal relationships are floundering.   Fear... Now that's something I don't spend a lot of time thinking about. Francis Chan talks about and references scripture as a reminder of that moment when we will see God's face. Revelation 4 and 5 talk about what the throne will be like, and I don't know that I've ever spent a whole lot of time pondering what that will actually look like. Read it one verse, one image at a time, and picture it. It gave me chills and this overwhelming feeling of awe. Who can imagine what he or she will experience when seeing the face of God? I surely don't even know where to begin. Chan prompted his readers to spend some time staring at God and just being with Him. In the business of everyday life, I don't take time to sit and be and stare at the glory that is my Father. I say my prayers where I ask God for a lot of things, thank Him for a lot of things, but rarely get to the point where I am just sitting and gleaning from the beauty of the Lord.  It also touched on something that, since getting married, I struggle with thinking about.  My marriage to Jackson will not exist in Heaven. I spent so much of my life (almost half, to be exact) looking forward to marrying him, I can't wait to spend my earthly life with him, and I just can't imagine not having that in Heaven. Now. Does that mean that I would trade being the bride of Christ for eternity? Not one bit. But it is a bit heartbreaking.  It's a lot heartbreaking, if I'm honest.   Have you read this book? How did it work in your heart and in your marriage? I am loving it so far and can't wait to let God work! 

Reconnecting

This has been a post I've been thinking about writing, but the timing never felt right.  God wasn't done working so that I could speak to it wholeheartedly. Now I'm here, I'm ready.   Last year was a year of great adjustment.  I graduated college a month prior, I got married in February and moved into a new home, I spent a lot of time working and making sure all of our friends' quality time tanks were filled.  I learned how to make time for myself, how to make time for my sweet husband, and how to make time for my marriage.  I thought the last one would come naturally, but for two extroverts who have a need to be around people, it took some hard work to stop and make time for just the two of us.   The one thing I forgot to make time for was God. I wasn't praying unless someone asked me to pray for a certain person or situation.  I wasn't reading my Bible unless I needed a verse to throw in an argument. I wasn't holding my husband accountable for his relationship with God, either.  I wasn't making sure he sat down and read with me... I wasn't encouraging him to pray with and for me and our family.  I made time for all of our relationships except the most important one.   After months of struggling with that fact, we can fast forward to Christmas 2014. I was feeling burned out, tired, and just... bleh.  I was on my way home from church with my iHeart radio playing some good, old Linkin Park (to prepare for the concert, of course) and my radio switched itself to Switchfoot radio.  The music was completely unrelated, but I went with it... who doesn't like Switchfoot, after all?  Song after song had the basic message "I'm not going anywhere, I will always love you, come to me". Cue the tears. I'm not implying God works through iHeart radio, but it was one heck of a coincidence, and some pretty great timing.    I made it one of my resolutions to spend more time reading and praying with Jackson, and so far, so good.  It, for us, is a matter of turning off the TV, getting off of our phones, and making time for God and our marriage. It's going to be a daily struggle, but I'm almost positive this one will be worth it.  Here's to rooting my marriage in Christ this year!  

20 things I've learned in 23 years

Today's my 23rd birthday! Blink-182 told me no one would like me at this age....     It's not 18, I've been legal for five years (??!!?!) It's not 20, I kissed teenage years goodbye three years ago (??!?!) It's not 21, I've been legally allowed to drink for two whole years (never have I ever!)   But it is 23. My first birthday as a wife. The first birthday I get off of work in forever My 10th to celebrate with Jackson The last on a weekday for years   I'm spending today sleeping in, hanging with my daddy, celebrating with Jackson, and reflecting on 23 years of life.   Here's what I've learned   Stop rushing life - I am a rusher.  I rush through life, fun events, the little "insignificant" things to get to the big things.  Rushing life has caused me to miss the importance of things in the here and now.   You have to let people in - I spent a lot of time with walls.  I didn't want anyone else inside those walls, and I was just fine, thank you very much.  College and friends broke those walls down and shared real and raw life with me.  The walls make you miss out.   There's value in hard work - Whether it's a day completed at the office, or a project you complete just for you, there's value in it.  I never understood people who don't have work ethic or drive to work. The reward is often self-gratifying and warrants a pat on my own back, but hey, that's okay.   You don't get an opinion unless you're informed - I have turned into one of those obnoxious adults who, in an argument, wants to hear the reasoning behind why someone thinks how they think.  I hold everyone (even myself) to a high standard when it comes to forming opinions.  Unless I've researched something enough to have all of my facts, I don't get to argue my opinion.   Some days call for no makeup and sweatpants - This one is pretty self explanatory.  Some days are like that, and that's ok. You don't have to be dressed to the nines every day.  Sometimes, pajama pants are just fine.   Confidence is key - So much good comes from having confidence.  Whether it's an awesome outfit that you thought you'd never pull off, or a public speech, confidence makes the difference.   You don't need everyone - Being an extrovert, this is a huge deal to me.  I get my energy, my "go" from being with and amongst people. It's dangerous to think you need everyone.  You don't.  I promise.  Some people will only work against you for the rest of your life. It's okay to let them go.    Splurge, you will end up wasting it anyway - Honestly, I have learned that some things are splurge worthy. For example, my Nikon D3100 that has been used twice was totally worth every penny.  Looking back, I can always remember the things I didn't splurge on and reallllly wanted; I can't tell you what I bought with the money I saved.    Don't change for people - This one is huge.  I went through high school not knowing what it was I wanted, who I wanted to be, or who I really was.  I let my friends, boyfriend(s... there were only two besides Jackson), and parents tell me who I needed to be.  I remember going to college and breaking down because I didn't know who I was.  My year away from home really made me realize what I wanted and who I wanted to be.  Once I became that person, I realized I was happy. Sure, there are still people who don't like me, but do you need those kind of people anyway?     Dad was (and always is) right - I used to joke that Dad was never wrong, but the older I get, the more true it is.  My dad was 39 when I was born, and he had done some living.  He had been through the 50's and 60's, high school and college, wars, jobs, friends, etc.  You name it, Dad has a story about it.  He was right when he said me and my friends from high school would grow apart, when he said I was always going to love my mother no matter how awful she can be, and when he told stories about the values of hard work. He is always right.    Smile at everyone - Don't know them? Doesn't matter.  I have resting grumpy face, so I, personally, have to make an effort to smile at everyone.  It started out as faking it so I would stop getting asked what was wrong with me.  Then it became a habit.  I'll never forget the day someone posted on our "college confessions" page (lame, I know) that the blonde haired girl in the elevator of whatever building wearing a grey striped shirt with a "CMR" monogrammed backpack smiled at them and changed their day.  Do it! It's worth it!   Sisters stick together - Cameron and I didn't really grow up close.  We were so alike but so different that we didn't really mesh well.  I was the social butterfly and she was very academic.  We didn't see eye to eye on a lot. I would have traded her for $20 back then, but I wouldn't trade her for the world now.  I know she is and will always be there.    Say "I'm Sorry" in moderation - There is always a reason for someone to be sorry, but that doesn't mean it always has to be you.  I was guilty of apologizing for things that weren't my fault, apologizing when there wasn't anything I should be sorry about, and talking myself into thinking it was my fault.  I'm sorrys are only okay when they're said by the person truly at fault, and when they are meant wholeheartedly.    It's too hard to hate people - Holding grudges, hating people, being mad for long periods of time is simply exhausting.  What's the point, anyway?   Stop talking - I used to get myself in a lot of trouble trying to talk my way into or out of things.  I'm a talker, and I'm a confident talker at that.  I can talk to anyone, about anything, and arguing is my specialty.  The problem was that I was always forcing people to listen.  By shutting up, I was able to learn so much more about life around me.   Leave it to mystery - This goes mostly for clothes.  I was a high schooler who would let it all hang out.... until I realized no one wanted to know me better. There was no depth and no mystery.  My junior year, I got my wits about me and went "Jackie O" and realized that my relationships changed drastically.   Hostess gifts are not optional - Even if it's a Thank You card, the hostess deserves a gift.  It doesn't matter if it's Christmas, if it's family, or if it's a friend for a sleepover.  Follow your dream - This time last year, I didn't even have an embroidery machine. This year, people are coming to me to embroider things for them for Christmas.  There's no telling where it will take me by this time next year!! All because it was something I wanted, Dad Santa invested, and boom!  You're Beautiful - I'm not a size two, I have a butt too big for jeans that fit everywhere else, I am short, my hair is frizzy, and I have breakouts.  But by golly, I'm beautiful, just the way God made me.   Ask; the worst someone can say is no - Whether it's the raise you want, the discount on something awesome, etc... don't be afraid to ask because the worst someone can say is no.  If you never ask, you never know how it might have turned out.    

Athazagoraphobia

Warning: word vomit ahead. 

Athazagoraphobia : the fear of being left behind, forgotten, or ignored.
I, lately, have been suffering from a severe case of jealousy that is rooted in the fear of being left behind. This is not a new discovery, just one that has reared its ugly head here lately.
Jackson and I had the baby fight. One of us is ready, the other is enjoying life as is and is concerned with finances not working out with a small human.  You get one guess who each describes. I'll give you a hint.  I'm ready... or I thought I was.
The more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that my current bout of baby fever has come from a friend couple saying they were saving so she could stay home for a couple of years here soon when babies come. Soon. But I'm not ready for you to have kids because that means I have to have kids. 
What? What does them having kids have to do with us having kids? Because I don't want to be left behind.
I realize my apartment/house buying or "moving" itch has come from another friend couple saying they were moving into a bigger apartment in the next couple of months. Next couple of months. But, I like where we live and I'm not ready to move.  But I can move because they're moving.
What? Why do I have to move because they're moving? Because I don't want to be left behind.
My fear of being left behind is making me want things I don't yet want.  I'm completely content with our home. I love our life as newlyweds.  I'm not ready to move, and I'm not ready for kids. I am enjoying sleeping in on Saturdays, spending huge amounts of money on Linkin Park tickets, and picking up and going wherever and whenever we want to.  My challenge to myself will be being happy for those around me instead of wanting what they have or wanting to keep up.  

Warning: Mushy Gushy Ahead

I just wanted to take this morning (before work blows up) to stop and gush about my sweet husband.  I have been working like a mad woman the entire month of October.  Last week I was in Chattanooga, this week I'll be in Knoxville, and next week I may just crash.  I have a pretty easy-going job, so this is completely out of the ordinary for me.   Insert awesome husband here. 

  I never realized how important it was to have a partner who is willing to jump in and pick up the slack when you're too busy to carry it. I'm a "I'll do it, don't worry about it" kind of person, but when I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, it's good to know he will be there to help me when I forget to marinate the chicken for tonight's dinner, or to not be upset when I fall asleep on the sofa while we're watching The Walking Dead.    I am thankful that he understands how to communicate with my quality time loving heart.  Last Saturday, we had a full day of just relaxing, enjoying life together, and reconnecting.  It's so hard to be on the go all the time... especially for me.   

  Lord, I come to you with a heart full of thanks... for my job, no matter how busy it has made me lately... for my husband and his ever growing heart... for our life, and the ability to slow down and really take in all that you have blessed us with.  Thank you for blessing me with a husband who not only works so hard to provide material blessings, but also works so hard to help me when I feel like I fall short.  Thank you for his servant heart, and his willingness to let you mold him into the husband you know I need; likewise, I thank you for continuing to mold me into the wife Jackson needs.  Father, please help us to never be too busy or to lose sight of what it means to take time for ourselves, for our marriage, and our relationship with you.  We know that all good comes from you, Lord, and we are so thankful to see your will playing out in our story. Please continue to mold us, to help us grow, and to help us continue to love unconditionally. Amen. Sorry for the gush this morning, I am just feeling especially thankful, and ready to be home from my last trip this Friday evening with my sweet man.   

Hello My Name Is...

 

Matthew West has a song titled "Hello My Name Is"

I began thinking about who I have been and it brought me through the steps of my testimony.

I have gotten emails asking if I had shared it, and I have not yet.

I figured, Hey. Where better to share it than here?

Here goes.

 

I didn't grow up in the church, with a supportive youth group, or with camps and lock-ins. I grew up shopping on Sundays and thinking nothing of it. We recited the Lord's Prayer every night before going to bed, and I found myself just going through the motions. My sister was in a church choir where she had Girl Scouts when she was younger. I made fun of her desperation for love from a God she couldn't see. I would find any excuse not to go see her sing in front of the congregation there. God never stopped reaching for my heart.

 

Middle school came and I met Jackson. We dated for a few months and I broke up with him for a friend of mine named Matt. Down the road, Matt broke up with me because I was not the Christian woman he wanted. I was hurt and laughed it off. Coincidence, I think not. Jackson and I rekindled our middle school flame, and he started talking about church and his love for God. I started wondering why there was no stirring in me. I started attending Fellowship of Christian Athletes and fell in love. I loved praying, having people my age who loved God, and learning more and more about Him. I found myself making the Saul to Paul transition. I persecuted Cameron for loving God, and here I was falling in love with Him.

 

Jackson and I started struggling with purity when we were sixteen.  We clearly were blinded by temptation, and we let Satan win over and over and over. Our love for sin overpowered our love for the Son.

 

Fast forward to Senior Year, Jackson asked me to go to church with him.

I didn't know if I'd like it, but I loved it. I went to church camp the following year, and was baptized when we came back.  There were a lot of things that changed, but temptation and how we dealt with it was not one of them.

 

God finally broke our hearts for what broke His; we broke up our Freshman year of college. It was the best thing that ever happened to us, as we were able to rebuild our foundation in Christ alone.  We took some time to ourselves, to rebuild our relationship with God, and to assess our expectations for our relationship.  We, after many months apart, came back together, dated for over a year, got engaged, then married, and here we are!

 

That's it. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. It's rough around the edges, but it's mine. I'm so proud of the woman I have become through my struggles. Jackson and I have grown so much in our love for one another and our love and appreciation for the Lord.  

 

Hello my name is Chrissy, daughter of the King of the universe. I am such a treasure in the eyes of the Lord. The one who knows the name of every star knows how many hairs are on my head. He has carefully planned my every waking moment and the rest of my life.

 

 

My Garden

I'm struggling with a lot of real-life moments as this summer draws to a close.    The first is a hard one for me. I won't be going to school this fall. No, I didn't drop out; it's my first fall semester after graduation. This is the time when I'm usually buying books, organizing things to move back to my dorm or apartment, and now, I'm not.  Not because I don't want to, but because I'm done. How do I, the person who needs to learn and read and take tests and write papers, manage those needs outside the classroom? I loved, and still love, sitting in lecture halls, learning and taking notes. I love turning in papers and that anticipation that comes before you get back what you know will be an A.  I miss my campus, I miss my classes. I see my graduation cap hanging in our room and it's a reminder, yes, of all I've done, but also a reminder that I'm done. I'm past that season of life and now I'm stuck in the 8-4 Monday-Friday crunch.

(via: Daily News Journal)   Which brings me to my second horse pill to swallow. My 8-4 Monday-Friday crunch is not (I don't think) what I want to do for the rest of forever.  I see my friends decorating their classrooms and getting nervous for their students to come to class. I realize Metro Nashville is not the greatest school system, but I want to be there. I am a product of that school system and the few loving teachers that poured their time and money into making me something.  I just feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. I'm settling for the bill-paying job... the job where I spend my 40 and clock out mentally and physically. I want the bulletin boards and the lesson plans and the kids into whom I can instill important things!!   Would I have to go back to school to obtain that degree? You bet. So you say, "Hey! You kill two birds with that one stone! Go get your degree!!" Hang on, I'm not quite done.   Have you ever felt like as much as you didn't want to be somewhere doing something that it was your place to be in the here and now? I recently watched some videos about a man named Ed who has ALS.  They're part of a series called Ed's Story.  One of his videos talks about the fact that Adam and Eve were in the garden to tend and nurture it, and by doing so, they were worshiping God. That video will not leave the depths of my heart and brain.  I'm in my garden.  My job is my garden. So while it's not the garden I want it to be, maybe it's the garden God wants for me.  I'm trying to learn to be content and happy with that fact. I am thankful that God trusts me enough to put me here and let this be mine for now.  I'm sure when I've done all He needs me to do here, he will send me elsewhere to tend to another garden.    What is your garden? How are you dealing with trying to be happy in your garden rather than admiring someone else's?  

 

Look at the Birds

In my opinion, so much of our time is spent looking in the rearview mirror. We spend so much time grieving missed opportunities or taking the wrong path at the fork in the road, trying to get back to a "better time".  Why was it so much better than right now or even better than what's to come?

  It's better because we're on the other side.   In high school, I spent so much time being "miserable"... miserable because my two best friends became best friends and left me in the dust... miserable because I couldn't play soccer anymore... miserable because Jackson moved to another school. Now? Now I would swear to anyone who asked that those were some of the best days of my life.   In college, I spent too much time looking back at high school... missing my friends so badly that I refused to make new ones...regretting not going to a college closer to home or with said friends...especially missing Jackson who was now almost 100 miles away from me.  I decided I didn't want to be an engineer because I didn't want to go to that school anymore. end of story. So, I admitted defeat, transferred, and found my niche.  I met my best friends, my person, and my calling.   I trusted my future self to make the decisions that would support my jump off of that cliff  

 

So, future self, I trust you (both self of tomorrow and self of age 30 and beyond). I trust you to make and support good decisions. I trust you to do what is best for your family and no never do anything halfway.  I trust you to know when it's time to get involved and when it's time to jump ship.  I trust you to trust God to handle everything for you.    The sooner I trust God with my future, the sooner the right-now-self can enjoy life today. He is already there, after all.     

Silver Linings

Lately, I've had so many instances of bad luck come my way. If I didn't look for silver linings, I'd be curled up in bed moping.  I have been blessed over and over again with reminders of how much I have to be thankful for.  I am learning patience, obedience, and contentment. Perfect timing, God.   Car overheats on the side of the road Husband is not far away and can fix it.   Other awful things go wrong with the car Husband knows just how to fix it We own two cars, even if they're not perfect.   I don't have a car to drive at my convenience We still have one functioning vehicle and the finances to fix the broken one. I get more time to spend with my husband in the mornings and afternoons. I have amazing best friends who don't mind coming to pick me up for girls' night!   I got so sick I couldn't even breathe I have a job that provides insurance. We have a health savings account. I have a husband who takes care of me in sickness and health. Doctors, shots, and antibiotics make it so much better.   No signs of leaving the Little Hiney Home any time soon I am getting to make our sweet home more homey.

I don't have a lot of square feet to clean and manage. We have the coziest space I've ever been in. I can already mentally prepare for Christmas. ;)

Friday!

Happy Friday!! I am on the struggle bus as always! This has been a long, busy week.   1. We spent all week at Vacation Bible School.  Jackson acted, I taught, we had a blast. 

 

  2. My best friend got her wedding photos back. I love so many of them! I will do a photo dump next week, but here are a handful of my favorites! (Credit: Emily Lester Photography)

 

 

 

 

 (please note her daddy in the window ^^)

 (totally my idea ^^!)

   3. I have finally framed and laid out my gallery wall!! I will definitely be hanging it sometime next week!

    4. Good news, we found out what's wrong with my car. Bad news, it's not good. I have a cracked head in my engine. Now we are weighing our options: Fix it and wait for something else to come up, or buy a new car. I feel like we can't win, either way, it's money we don't have.  sigh.   5.  Jackson has been my rock through all of the car nonsense, sneaky spending whatnot, and through the 10000 times I've been sick since February (like now!) My sweet man keeps life fun, Godly, and light.  I'm so thankful for that during stressful, hard times! For example:

Respect Him; Love Her

I get a lot of crap about my views on being a submissive wife. (Whoa, cannon ball right into today's post, why dontcha)    I really hesitated to write and publish this post because people I know who are the reason for this post may be reading. But hey, it's my corner of the internet.   Ephesians 5:22-23 says, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.    Boom. I have evidence, facts, and reason behind my actions.  Do I bow down at my husband's feet and let him walk all over me? no.  Do I understand that he is meant to be the leader of our family? yes.   What does this mean for my role as wife? It means that I get to uplift and encourage my husband daily. It means that I get to help him make decisions for our home and family.  It means that I know my family and home and future are secure.   What doesn't it mean for me as a wife (aka: what do most people think I'm talking about when I talk about being a submissive wife?)? It doesn't mean that I get no say in anything - I get a lot of say, actually.  It means I get to trust Jackson to make the final call, but if there's any dispute along the way, we get to talk it out.  It doesn't mean that all of my thoughts and wants are dismissed.  They are considered more because Jackson knows he is the one making decisions for our entire family.  It doesn't mean that I don't matter.   Ephesians 5:28-30says, "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does the church - for we are members of His body."   Jackson is just as restricted as I am in the way a Christian household is to function.   For Jackson, this means that he is to love me as Christ loves the church - unconditionally and wholeheartedly; he is to feed my faith and respect my body.   I understand that not every wife observes and embraces the two verses that describe our role, and I understand that not every husband embraces the three verses that spell out love.  In our home, we do. I don't ask for everyone to believe like I do, but for respect.  Nothing more, nothing less.   #endrant

Choose Love

I got an interesting e-mail question the other day, and knew it'd be a great post. Believe it or not, I answer this question more often than "how did you meet?" :   You've known your husband since you were twelve??! How have you not grown tired of eachother after all the years?   The answer is simple - we choose each other daily.   After years in a relationship, we graduated and went to college.  Our relationship had been emotion filled and lovey dovey because we were able to see each other as often as we wanted to. We didn't know what it was to miss one another, and our relationship was very superficial (as in it wasn't very deep). Being 90 miles apart for college didn't make it as easy, so we had to grow and learn.  That growth came in the form of a big fat breakup! (the story gets better, obviously!)  

    We didn't know what it was to love each other past the kissing and dates and "I love you"s.  It took us some time apart to realize that love is a choice that we make daily.  Some days, it's as easy as a whole bunch of kisses and some lovey dovey time, but some days it's not.  Some days, he's a grouch because he's had a long day at work; some days, I'm unmanageable because I'm so high maintenance.  I still choose to serve and love him by making him dinner and encouraging him to push through; he still chooses to serve me and love me by helping with laundry and dishes and encouraging me that tomorrow will be better.   Long lasting love comes from the choice to love each other despite the downfalls, the imperfections, the negative aspects.  We are still in the honeymoon aspect of our marriage, and I love it.  Our spark is burning bright.  However, there are still days that love is a choice for both of us because we are hard to get along with, we're still learning, and emotion is hanging out on the back burner. Some days, it's harder than others, but it's worth it every day.    The easiest reminder is that God chose to love me and send His Son for me no matter how unlovable, unmanageable, and hard headed I am. When I am mad at Jackson and feeling anything but adoration toward my husband, I remember that there are times I am not worthy of God's adoration, but He loves and adores me anyway.    Learning to love like Christ - unconditionally, unrelentingly, and unselfishly - that's the goal.

Linking up with What You Wish Wednesday

On Growing Up...

Obviously I have been an adult now for four years... I've graduated high school and college. I have a full time job and insurance. I have gotten married and we have a home to call our own. We pay rent and bills.   But I haven't truly felt like a grown up until this week. I've always been able to finagle my vacation time to work around church camp week.  I have not missed a week of camp since my very first year at camp. Even when I was taking a June-mester, I made it work by going to McDonalds and jacking their wifi to do homework.     This year, I didn't get so lucky. Mind you, I wouldn't trade our honeymoon for anything, but I was fronted my vacation for that week off and couldn't work out another week this early in the year.   I may or may not have cried all the way on the two hour drive home. I miss my kids. I miss bunk beds. I miss my friends. I miss my husband who is there while I'm not. I miss the games and hours outside. I miss camp.   And in case you were curious, these are things you don't say to someone who is mourning the loss of their camp week..... "You have responsibility now and that doesn't include camp." "Seriously? grow up." "Well, that's just part of growing up." "Adults don't get camp week... you'll live." "Who takes a vacation week for camp?" "Stop whining."   ...all of which I received after being back at work for ten minutes on Tuesday.   Me and my grumpy tail are going to enjoy the rest of this ten hour day in my office with the door shut.

Who Said?

Growing up, I heard a lot in school about the "American Dream". Marriage, high paying jobs, house with the white picket fence and a wrap-around porch, dogs and kids filling the yard, family around the grill on Fourth of July, driving a minivan to cart our football team of a family to practice and school, rocking chairs and sweet tea and firefly catching. The list could go on forever.  

(via)

  Who decided that was the American Dream, though? Who sat down and made the list that set the bar for our lives?   Why are these things so important? Are you successful if you don't have them when it's all said and done?   Being a newlywed and making out our future plan, I realize how constricting the American Dream can be.  Sure, I would love to have all of the things listed. I hope to have a vanload of kids and dogs to fill the yard, to enjoy sweet tea on our porch swing with my husband, to have that beautiful fence, but at what point does striving to reach this goal become unhealthy? At what point do you stop reaching for that image that has been pounded into your head and start enjoying your life for what it is now?   If you've been around these parts for any time at all, you'll know we struggle with being content. We're so excited and eager for what's to come that enjoying the here and now is difficult because we're so far from obtaining the tangible things that the American Dream brings.  Just yesterday, I found a house I could not live without, and my dad reminded me that it's not just a mortgage, it's taxes and insurance and down payments. Needless to say, my heart is broken. I think I have really found the source for my inability to be content. I was looking back through some coursework from high school, and in one English class, we spent eighteen weeks (half of a 36 week semester... two whole semester quarters) talking about the American Dream and how to get there. Why was it so imperative to spend so much time teaching us about it when some of us may never obtain it?  I graduated with a class of 150 people. I guarantee that teacher that 1/8 of the class of 2010 may never have that picket fence.   That brings me to this question... Does my generation tweak the American Dream to be what we need it to be or do we all feel like we're constantly in this race to make it to that end goal? (via)   I look at our future plan and it makes me think a lot about our lives and wonder if we'll ever reach that fenced in, multi acre end goal.   We'll be in an apartment for a while... one bedroom for now, and two bedroom soon. We'll be in the two bedroom until we're done paying off debt, while we save for a down payment, and even after we have kid(s) probably.  What's wrong with that? My dad says to be careful making that plan because once we have a child, he/she will eat through that down payment savings and we won't ever make it to a house.   Why not? Why does that seem impossible? Am I just hopelessly dreaming that this plan will work? Does it really matter if we ever get the house?   Why isn't the dream just to be.... happy? Why isn't that enough? As much as I itch and fight to get out of that apartment, I am so happy with our life. I love sharing it with friends, coming home and being with my husband daily, sharing life with our church family.   All of that brings me to this. Last Friday, I was smacked between the eyes with a song. It's not new, but it was new to me. Enjoy.....

  

Comparison and Contentment

  Something I think we've been struggling with lately is comparing ourselves to our other newlywed friends.  It's human nature, it's normal, and I know we're not alone.   Comparison is everywhere.   We are constantly comparing ourselves to people at work, and depending on where they stand, we measure whether or not we are successful.    We measure ourselves based on what others have that we don't. We're in a one bedroom apartment, but our two newlywed couple best friends have a two bedroom and a house! We assume we're lacking because we don't have what they have.   We hear others talking about their $100k+ salaries and feel like we're not good enough because we don't make near that much.   What we forget, though, is this: we have jobs. we have a home. we make enough.   It's so easy to get bogged down in this rat race that is American culture. It's so easy to lose sight of how blessed we are to have the little things we have. There are families who are striving for what we have.   Contentment and appreciation: that's the goal.